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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

 Sometimes there are things we go through that only a cheeseburger will fix. My wife suggested a fast-food hamburger place. I looked at her like she had lost her mind. I don’t want whatever they’re passing off as hamburger.  She then suggested a high-end steak house. Talk about one extreme to another. However, I had already burned the only opportunity to veto one of her suggestions and I valued my health too much to do it again, so I agreed to the high-end hamburger with a smile.

When I say that I love hamburgers, I mean it.  I’ve ordered a hamburger in a seafood restaurant if that gives you any idea of how serious this love affair is. Once we finished eating and I picked up the bill, I almost had a stroke. I didn’t realize the hamburger was made of gold but whatever. I paid the bill but somehow felt like I had just been robbed. I threw a five-dollar bill on the table for a tip and prepared to leave. My wife looked at me as if to say, “I don’t think so tubby”. She then got my wallet and added another ten to the tip. I protested but my wife said, “She probably has kids at home”. In my mind I said, “Yea, but they are not my kids.  In all honesty, I don’t mind tipping the waitress.  I’m just a little cheap I suppose. However, why do we tip? Why can’t you just tell me how much something costs and be done with it. The waitress I understand but why do fast food workers have a tip jar? Why does the cashier at the Piggly Wiggly have a tip jar?  If you’re expecting me to voluntarily pay you more money because you didn’t screw something up, boy, are you in for a surprise. 

I began to wonder why we do some of the other strange things we do and think it’s normal. For example, I was guilted into going to my co-workers wedding once and we all threw rice at the couple. Why do we do that?  I would have been happier throwing a brick at him. Afterall, he is the one that ate my bologna sandwich out of the breakroom fridge.

Why do we buy presents for someone when they become pregnant? It’s as if we are saying, “You went to a lot of trouble to have unprotected sex. Good job. Here, let me buy you a present for your trouble”. 

Why do we get extorted to send money to teenagers when they graduate high school? By doing this, we say, “Congratulations, you’re not a moron.  Here’s twenty bucks. Now go get a job”.

Why do we go camping? Doesn’t make a lot of sense. We pay a lot of money for our home and yet we go into the woods and pretend to be homeless for a weekend while we eat overdone  s’mores.

I had someone ask me once to raise money for charity by jumping into freezing water in the middle of winter. Are you kidding me? How about we all just give what we can afford to charity and call it a day. Let’s leave the pretending to be a penguin alone shall we.

Why do we invite someone over to a cookout and then say, “Hope you’re hungry”. Isn’t that a bit cruel? ‘Yes, Larry, I’m hungry. You’ve been nursing that grill for an hour and a half. At this point, I’m ready to smack those animal crackers out of your kids’ hand and start scoffing them down.” Why do we do that?